I've returned...again...

Boy oh boy, it's 1:15 AM. I'm still doing homework. Ben Chatham, welcome to you junior year! Hey, anyone who might be listening, what's up? So, this year, my goal is to update this thing a couple of times a week, ideally 3 or 4. Just to keep the 1 or 2 people reading this updated on daily troubles, joys, etc.

So, this has been a long week and a great weekend so far. I had a ton of work in the 2nd week of my junior year, and I did not handle it very well. I think a lot of it had to do with my lack of discipline and focus. I seem to be struggling again with getting myself together. Better make it a personal goal for next week. Ultimate frisbee has gotten back up agian, we practiced Friday and Saturday, and it was amazing. It felt great to be back out there with the guys, and a lot of people have really improved. I have a lot of confidence in our team this year, personally,and I can't wait for spring. We've learned new plays, we've gotten much better at route-running, and most of us are adept throwers. We should be a strong team this year, and I can't wait.

So, I quit XC. Yup yup, I quit the sport that I showed the most promise in. But, it wasn't any fun for me. Going back to Ultimate again, we bond together so well and are able to have a ton of laughs, but we're all very serious about succeeding. XC lacks the fun aspect. It was just practice, practice, practice. It felt like work. Frisbee is work, but it's also fun. We work, but we still enjoy ourselves doing it. XC lacked that.

Anyway, onto my last subject. Civilization V. Oh my god, this is a GREAT game. I've only played 4 hours of it, and I'm madly in love. I love city-states, I love the graphics, the new empires, etc. Best game I ever played. If any of you like strategy games, buy this.

It's late. I need to sleep. Peace.

Quick, while they're not looking

So, I've just come back from an extremely rewarding four weeks at Frost Valley. I've went there for seven years there, and after the thrilling experience that was last year, I thought i had already reached my high point at Frost Valley. This summer, though, blew my mind. I met a group of diverse people, some who were irritating at times, some with troubled pasts, some I liked, some I didn't. But obviously, we were the perfect mix. At the end, we were all practically in tears that we were leaving each other. I've been home for a week and a half now. I had made goals to start serious training for XC season after one weekend of relaxation. I've run ONCE since I got back. I also vowed to do some arm exercises every day, to keep myself in some sort of shape. Well, I haven't done that. I've noticed this with myself. I have a serious tendency to excel when I have a set due date and a dire consequence if I don't achieve it. Take, for example, a big research paper I did, and presented last year. I worked harder on that than anything in my life. I probably spent every other day researching. I rehearsed the presentation for 4 hours. I edited the paper at least 10 times. And I got a 91. I did really well. With academic goals, I find it not too difficult to achieve my aspirations. Then again, I do have an IQ in the 130s. I can get a B+ in Math, Science, or History without much effort. But in a goal I set for athletics, I come up short. I have denied it for years, but I cannot anymore. I am not athletic. I am extremely lanky, I have very little muscle mass. I have small motor problems. I have low muscle tone, meaning my muscles start weaker than most people and might never get as strong as someone with high muscle tone. I have bad asthma, which affects my running. Even with all of these issues, one thing stands out more. I am not motivated. I thought I loved running. But as time passes, I find that even though my non-muscular, skinny body is actually suited pretty well for XC, I just don't have a driving passion for it. This is not the case with Ultimate Frisbee, which I picked up in the Spring. I love the warm spring air, as opposed to the bitter fall winds of XC. I love the team aspect of Ultimate. I love all of the strategy and skill. I love the TEAM, the CHEMISTRY. This is what lacks, in my opinion, in XC. the whole sport is solo, there's no fallback when you're down, no one to cheer when you're up. I don't feel that fierce connection and determination that I have for Ultimate in XC. I've tossed the idea of retiring in my head for awhile. I just don't want to let down my whole team like that, especially since we've lost a lot of runners that graduated. Speaking of them, I think that they were what brought chemistry to this team. Wilson, Kevin X, Gary, Bonnie, David, they were all such jokesters, it really helped lighten the mood. XC just isn't fun anymore. It feels like a chore, not an activity that you look forward to. I don't know what to do.

Unconventional, in an unconventional way.

Quick, what's the first thing you think of when you hear the word unconventional? Go, on be honest. Maybe someone who doesn't follow the rules? A person who rejects authority figures? Maybe someone who makes unusual decisions and prefers to side with the minority, all the time? Well, when I think of unconventional, it makes me think of a person who's quiet, respectful, and morally sound. So many people nowadays are being sucked into this image of being a "rebel from society" because of the way they think or the way they parade themselves about, whether their  rollin' joints, chuggin' beers, etc. It seems to me that society is working in a backwards way, and no one seems to realize it. I almost even have to consider myself unconventional at times. I know, I know, it sounds crazy. I do all my work, don't let people copy my work, and prefer to stay inside in my lonesome than party it up with friends. Now, I bet 90% of people out there would think I'm a total loser, with no friends, no life, or anything if that's all I told them. What if I told you that I have a small, close circle of diverse friends, who I enjoy spending time with, who I do care about? Would you think I'm lying? I might think I'm lying. But, see, here's my point. The average person has been so tweaked, so changed, that someone as plain and unspectacular as myself is unusual. Very rarely will you see a guy who is a loner, who doesn't have a girlfriend, and enjoys spending time in the home. Most people nowadays, from what I see, wear "geek" glasses, wear wool caps in hot weather, will have some kind of creative outlet that they use to portray themselves as open and unique, and have some sort of constant hatred in their gov't. These people need to stop worrying about what others think of them and what's going on around them and just focus on them. Many people that I know are intellectuals, and I honestly think they're a dying breed. Intelligence in mathematics and sciences is heeding way to a generation infatuated with "arts", "creative expression", and "new ideas." I just hope these people can all make it in arts careers. It's a hard business.

is this the real life...is this just fantasy?

Sometimes i think i think too much. for example, nearly every day i can't help but think how i will never be able to fulfill my aspiration to be a musician, because i will never be able to afford a drum set, and until i do, i will just retain amateur status in my head. i can keep a beat, i'm actually REALLY good at that. that's why i feel i have the natural talent. unfortunately, i cant execute a proper drum roll, and if i had a kit, or an electronic kit, maybe i would be able to do that. it seems that for now, its just a dream. a dream put on hold. to add on, i really need a new computer. a desktop, with a lot more gaming power, since in the last few months, i have really gotten into PC gaming. of course, that probably costs thousands of dollars. my family cannot possibly afford that w/o at least a year of saving. i don't like to tell them, but our financial situation really depresses me, when i see people with new iPods 3 days after they lose theirs, brand new iPhone 4s, and all this new shit, and whenever i want something new, i have to save up for it, day by day, and so do my parents, and it takes such a long time, since we're in such bad financial straits. and these people i mentioned, with the iPhones, sidekicks, they're pulling 65s and 70s in most of their classses, and meanwhile, im getting 90s in all my classes, and i have to stay put with what i have. i do my best to maintain a level-headed attitude, but it seems like i'm working harder and succeeding more, and yet im getting less for it. i put the expectations so high on myself ever since middle school, my mom isnt satisfied with anything less than a 94. while other parents just want an 80, i have to get everything above 90, otherwise my parents will weed out that one bad grade, and be sure that i know all about it. i'm proud of my success, yes, but sometimes i really feel underappreciated, especially when my 12 yr old sister gets everything i do, and yet she is always in trouble and handing in projects late.

what do i have to do to feel the love? 

I thought the world was fair

Isn't it absolutely hilarious how tomorrow is my last day of classes, and YET, I still have a project to do? I seem to remember that the workload is supposed to wind down as June goes on, but no. I have handed in 5 projects over the past two weeks, I have had so much work, that today I am finally getting to actually write my English paper. I typically don;t have much to complain about when it comes to Millennium's HW load. Usually, 2 hours is about the average, and that's cool with me, if I get home at say, 430. But, when it's June 13th, and you STILL have projects to do, AND Regents to study for, AND your iPod's broken, and your copy of Green Day: Rock Band got hung up in shipping and you have to go pick it up, don't you deserve a little something-something?

I dunno, maybe I'm in over my head. All I know is that tomorrow, June 14th, is the last day of classes. And tomorrow, June 14th, I will do no work. I will not study for Global, because I'm getting 90s on the preliminaries. I will come home, and watch YouTube videos. I will play Team Fortress 2. I will watch Loudmouths. I will do NOTHING all day, and I will not have to suffer for it, because 10th grade, sophomore year at Millennium High School in Manhattan, NY is OVER! And camp is in 2 WEEKS, AND I HAVE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER THAT THE SUMMER HAS ARRIVED.

Late Night with Cookies and Lemonade.

I love Limewire. And YouTube. And Facebook. All together now: TIMESUCK!!!

I'm Back!!!

What's up world, it's been awhile. Haven't seen you for a bit. How's the weather? Well, it's freezing in NYC. And that's not the worst part. My train took over a half hour to make a 15 minute trip. Dammit, dammit, dammit.  I bet it was backed up by the damn R train. The R train hates me, and I don't know why. So I thought, "Hehe, I'll take the M today! The R will never see it coming!" Well it did. And it made me suffer. But at least I had Justine, or it would have been so boring. I'll need to start outthinking the R train. How? Ehh...come back to me on that.

Not all bad news though! Got some grades back this week. 93.5 on my history paper, 92 on my english performance, 84 on my math final. I likey. I think I'll celebrate with some Team Fortress 2. Oh wait...I have track...and dishes to do...and homework...sigh...but, tomorrow's the weekend! I get to sleep!!! But I gotta get a library card, mine doesn't work. More things out to get me. I guess I attract bad luck. Big project coming up. Also, a break in a week! I love Jan/Feb. We have 2 breaks, and 3 extra days off. It's like a month of school stretched into two.But then comes March, which is more like two compressed into one. Sigh...stillness before battle, I suppose?

Did some real drummin' last week. I LOVED IT. I swear to god, if music wasn't such a bad career choice, I'd make a career out of it. Maybe I'll enter the spring showcase...hmm...I'll ponder that.

Anyhoo, got some work to do. This only took six minutes though, so keep an eye out for future posts!

“I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.” -Oscar Wilde.